This Is Hard- A Letter to My Husband

Hey you. My love. The man I wake up to. The man who gave me two daughters. This morning I handed her to you asking you to please take her all wide awake, then fell back on the pillow. When I woke up there she was, snuggled next to you, both asleep. It is amazing how little sleep you and I live on.
Sigh. "This is hard." Is repeated by us both several times a day. We are navigating new waters with an infant and you going back to school. This is hard. We used to stay up watching movies or each other, now we rock and sway and say SHHHH, then place her in bed and fall asleep mid prayer.
I was remembering the first years of us, when we thought we were being selfless looking after each other. Back when date night was priority and I made you supper every night. We read marriage books and were able to go places spur of the moment.
I miss you. I miss us. I miss not having to be quiet or live on a tiny persons schedule. I miss theatres of all places. I miss making you a priority.
I can't remember what I'm like with 8 hours of sleep, I was stunning and radiant I'm sure! These days I look in the mirror and those words are far from my mind to describe my reflection.
I don't feel beautiful, I feel like a cow. And I'm sure you feel spread over thin between home, school and work. I can understand now why couples say they "fell out of love". In the craziness of this family life it is easy to lose sight of one another and forget you are on the same team. It is easy to stop choosing love every day. It is easy to snap back because the days are long and emotions stretched tight. It is easy to stop sharing yourself with the other.

This is hard.

So I wanted to tell you that even though this season is hard, and the past seems rosier, I still look at you and catch my breath. I marvel at the man of my dreams who comes home to me. Who can't wait to come home to me. Home, with the messy kitchen and the unprepared meal. Home, with the
sleepless nights and the desperate wife. Home, where these two girls are crazy about you. I marvel at the man who makes me laugh after a long night. A man who will be pushed awake at 5 am and without a complaint, take his daughter so I can sleep.  

This is hard, but it's beautiful.

Soon, when we are on one of our date nights, we'll look back and marvel at the beauty of these days. We'll laugh about how tired we were, and maybe even wish some of it back. It will slip by all too quickly. So in between the hustle of our day make sure to catch my eye and wink. Make sure to grab me and squeeze me tight. Make sure that we don't lose sight of who we were, and of who we are.

I am so thankful for you, that you love so deeply, and lead this family so courageously. And though sometimes I forget to say it, I am so deeply in love with you, in each season we are in.